S&M

BDSMI get asked a lot of questions, but the most popular question of all (like in a galaxy far away from all others) is all about anal, or as I like to say, “ur”anus. From how to do the anal, to why men like it, it’s as if every few minutes someone, somewhere has ass on their mind.

This is not a bad thing, although for many years ass and the things that go in, or come out of it, have been seen as very dirty indeed.

In an unscientific poll of people I know, I asked why anal sex is such a popular topic and why people thought I was still getting so many questions about butt play. A majority vote said it’s because anal sex is still taboo. And then there was the good point that whatever sex education is taught in school does not highlight (or even touch upon) the anus.

Taboo is cool. But there are lots of things that are taboo that are popular and still not talked about. So, let’s talk about them. Shall we?

Rape fantasies and role-play

According to loads of psychologists (just Google it, you’ll see) rape is the number one fantasy for women. In a Psychology Today article on rape, Michael Castleman wrote, “From 1973 through 2008, nine surveys of women’s rape fantasies have been published. They show that about four in 10 women admit having them (31 to 57 percent) with a median frequency of about once a month.”

Anna David took up the topic of rape role-play in her Details magazine piece on what could go wrong. Yes, rape role-play exists and seems to be happening more and more these days. Talking out the fantasy, not acting it out, could work well for taboo sex time. And a good place to start if you want to go further is to experiment with bondage and being tied up . Still, while it can be hot, it’s also a hot button topic.

Watersports

If you have ever showered with a partner, don’t tell me that for a second you didn’t think about peeing on him or her. You may have even done it once, when they weren’t looking, but what if you did it when they were looking, and what if you both liked it? The shower or bath is the first place to try peeing on our partners, and while that’s as far as it goes for some, it can go even further for others, as in out of the shower, or as someone said to me, peeing in your partner (not a good idea for infections and what not).

Fisting

The first time I saw a sex toy fist I squealed with delight. Look a hand! A fist! A sex toy! The memory serves as a reminder that some of women and men like fisting, which is done with a technique that’s more like how a queen waves than how a boxer fights. As my friend Jessica Rabbit says, “When I feel overcome with emotion for a partner I want to crawl inside them, and fisting fulfills this feeling in a way few other things can.” Proper fisting technique requires the four fingers (sans thumb) to remain close together with the thumb tucked into the palm of the hand.

Face Fucking

A few weeks back I talked about how a lot of women don’t like come in the eyes (ouch!) or on the face, however face fucking can be a sexy way to play with dominance and submission. Face fucking is a power trip. It’s a submissive role for the fuckee and a dominant one for the fucker, and gagging can be sexy and produce even more saliva. Still, blocking someone’s air passage for way to long is killer. And there are benefits to come on the face after an ejaculation too (although I prefer a wipe on to a surprise splat). For example, it helps tighten skin. Try it with a blindfold for additional sensory deprivation.

Two Guys and a Girl

When talking about threesomes with two straight guys and a girl, there’s often a whole lot of judgment around the straightness of the two men. It often feels like everyone’s trying to figure out, “Is he gay? Straight? Does he want be with another guy and is he using the girl to get there?” While it should be like, who cares? If he’s safe and everyone’s consenting, let the fun begin, it becomes all up-in-the-brain when it should be left to the body. There’s actually another taboo here (besides a non-identified gay man having a boner with another non-gay man) and it’s the woman having more then, as a man named Orin puts it, “her fair share of straight.”

Cuckolding is along those same lines, and I feel like this one has been on the upswing ever since my days as a sex advice columnist at Playgirl. It’s where a woman has sex with a strange man in front of her husband. Cuckolding proudly shows that one man is man enough to be in the same room while another man fucks his wife. If the reality doesn’t work out, try the fantasy with a make your own dildo kit, and have him fucking her twice.

Masturbation in a Relationship

When it comes to self-love, lots of people feel badly about masturbating in front of their partner, or sometimes masturbating at all when they’re in a relationship. Some men feel like it would hurt his partner’s feelings if he masturbated before having sex with her, even if it helps him last longer for her pleasure the next go round (that is if she wants him to last longer). So, wouldn’t it be fun if masturbating in the same room didn’t feel taboo? What if it took two to Tenga? Or what if he used a glass toy for penetration while she rubbed her clit? Wouldn’t that be a great way to work on one of you together! And sure, it’s called self-love, so why not also talk about giving your lover permission to masturbate when they’re alone? When’s the last time you told your partner it’s okay to self-love? Go ahead, do it now and take one for the team.